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  • 加拿大分会:体验完美(小说)文/盖伊·范德海格


      
      “新来的?”护理员艾伯特没精打采地问道。他在海军干了二十年,鼻梁骨折过两次,胳膊上文着发绿的涡卷状刺青。他能展示的就这些,另加一笔退伍津贴,还有不堪回首的往事。如今,很无奈,他成了医院的护理员。他到病床边停下,煞有介事地沙沙翻着写字板上的纸。“奥格尔先生?是你吗?”他的眼睛盯着写字板。
      “是的,没错。汤姆·奥格尔。”
      “午前是否告便?”艾伯特问道,笔悬在写字板上。
      “对不起,”奥格尔一脸茫然,不知该不该相信自己的耳朵。“我没听懂。”
      “告便,”艾伯特用笔敲着金属表带,嗒嗒作响。“告便,告便!”他不耐烦了。
      “就是解大便。”莫里斯帮着解释道。他是旁边病床的,一堆松垮的皮肤包着一副骨架,身上插着透明的针管,像是被锚在狭窄的床上。细一打量,奥格尔估摸他体重不过百磅。莫里斯看着奥格尔,两只饿死鬼般硕大的眼珠在他皱瘪的脸上放着光,假牙从萎缩的牙床松开,裂出道道缝隙。“他的意思是大便是否通畅。”莫里斯重复了一遍,不协调地挥了挥他瘦骨嶙峋的手,那指甲又黄又尖,像鸡爪。“他在问你今天上午拉屎了没有。”
      “没有。”奥格尔说道,转身面对艾伯特,“没大便过。”
      艾伯特在纸上打了个标记,出去了。
      “我讨厌这狗日的。”莫里斯压低嗓门,像演员在低声旁白,隔壁病房也能听见。“很粗,一点都不体贴人。看看那狗杂种是怎么插导尿管的,你会觉得他是在把肉温计扎进烤牛肉里。天哪!”他想了一会儿,接着说,“不过,另一个,叫大卫的,这人倒不错。”他顿了顿,“是个犹太人。”
      “哦?”奥格尔应了一声。
      “想不到,”莫里斯说,“一个犹太人在医院里连个医生都混不上。”
      大卫是个护理员,给人端尿盆的。但他肚里颇有些墨水。脑子里装满了各种方程式,成段的海涅和勃朗宁的诗句,雄辩的语言,甚至昨天棒球比赛的总得分统计表。也许是因为脑子里成天信息爆炸,他要么失手把尿样瓶打碎,要么把尿盆弄翻,总是在病床之间蹒跚而行。
      如果说他那双手不适合操作尿样瓶和尿盆,他个人的不幸和忧郁却让他在接触肉体时动作温柔。大卫是战后欧洲难民,前后去过八个国家避难。最后,他因神经衰弱病倒在加拿大,这是奥格尔后来才知道的。一房表亲把他弄到萨斯喀彻温省,现在他只能委身于这北美大草原,渴望回到耶路撒冷去摸摸古老沧桑的哭墙石头,尝尝雅法的鲜橙,看看矫健、灵活的以色列大兵开着玩笑收拾枪支的撤军场景。
      然而,他最终还是没有勇气打包走人。医院里没人知道原委,估计他是感觉到想象中迦南地的物华天宝、牛奶蜂蜜都是不现实的。与其到那里一梦醒来,倒不如就在这里浑浑噩噩。
      “是呀,大卫人不错。”莫里斯接着说。“比大多数人都好,相信我,他们我都认识,每个人我都了解。医生、护士、护理员和助手,我应当全认识。这儿我都待半年了,从一月三号开始。我是这里的常客。我看见先后三个死在那床上。”他一本正经地说:“这就是为什么我的原则是不要太亲密。”他意味深长地顿了顿。“不与任何人\xAA┥罱弧!豹\xAA
      他把胳膊从一圈静脉滴管里摆脱出来,翻身侧卧,背对奥格尔。凝视着树丛撕破斜阳在草坪上留下的参差斑驳的绿色,还有空中被风扯碎的片片云彩,他疲惫地喃喃自语:“主啊,又一日,又一日呵。要是身体好,这日子倒不赖。”
      奥格尔心里感觉恐慌。他是头天晚上住院的,是在他上班晕厥之后。他觉得咽喉发紧,一股湿气钻进腹股沟,沿着脊柱侵到了腰背部。
      “医生什么时候来查房?”他尽力保持语气平缓,小心翼翼地不露出内心的焦急。“我什么时候见我的医生?”
      “你急个鸟!”莫里斯说。“在这儿,你得学会等。你的医生要是跟其他人一样的话,他高兴啥时来就啥时来。别想着赶紧离开这鬼地方。他们从来就想不到派个人来这病房,提高提高效率。”一想到这,他气得把假牙咬得嘎嘣响。
      
      莫里斯说得没错。奥格尔的医生只是在自己方便时才偶尔露一下面。即使这样,奥格尔还是每天上午坐在床沿上等待,医生来查房时,他就仔细盯着他们,端详着走廊里面,奢望能看到巴特利特医生露一面,哪怕他满口说出难懂的医学行话,挥动一下那治病救人的神手,都能像大仙一样驱走患者心中因病情不详而遭受的折磨。但连续四天的等待和接二连三痛苦、耻辱以及令人疲乏的体检让他初步认识到什么叫做认命。另外,他还明白了其他事。
      奥格尔年纪还轻,不到三十岁,尚未认识人吃五谷生百病这一现实,不了解悲伤和不幸是啥滋味。可坐在床沿边,看着虚弱的病人,或步履艰难,或轮椅推行,一个接一个地经过门口时,他第一次尝到了那种滋味。他们有的拄着拐杖蹒跚而行,有的撑着墙壁挪步,有的揪着护士胳膊踉跄而走,有的坐着轮椅被护理员推着一闪而过。昏聩的老太婆瞪大好奇的眼睛东张西望,吐着蛇一般的舌头叫喊着半个世纪前自己所生的孩子的名字,满头的白发一根根支棱着犹如随时可以随风飘去的蒲公英。有个肾病患者坐着轮椅缓缓滚过,大脑被再也无法排出的体内毒素所控制,他恬静地偷着笑,那条肿得一塌糊涂的腿搁在羊皮垫子上,烂熟得发光,青紫斑斓,样子吓人。一个心脏病患者手术以后第一次下床哆哆嗦嗦走了几步,他的面部因为紧张而抽搐,身上的浴袍敞开,露出胸口那乌青色的刀疤。还有患糖尿病的,坏疽病夺走了他的一条腿,只能拄着手杖一瘸一拐。他面色苍白,眉头紧蹙,神情专注,焦虑不堪。
      看着这群人走过,奥格尔搓了搓自己潮湿的手掌,挪了挪拖鞋里冰凉的双脚。没事可做,也没人来帮忙排解这令人厌倦的寂寞,因为他以前懒得交朋友。本质上他是那种腼腆的人,但很早就学会了以愤懑的方式来掩饰自己的胆怯,日久天长,在他那原本真诚的脸上,那张坦率的嘴早已练成了愤世嫉俗的刀子嘴。他对生活充满了精神病患者的那种偏见,而且认定所有的努力从长远看都是荒唐的。这使他很不讨人喜欢。大多数人对他绝望、乖戾的观点不以为然。当然喽,办公室的人还是给他送来了慰问卡和鲜花(他是当场晕倒在众人面前的,大家怎么能视而不见呢?),但没人愿意来探望。
      他的日子在等待中度过,从X光透视室到化验室,从这儿到那儿,他被人呼来唤去。他打盹,吃饭,过着囚犯般最基本的生活,刮脸刮得之精心细致,这在医院墙外是绝对做不到的;解个大便比约伯(注:《圣经·旧约》中的人物,以耐心、坚忍著称。)还磨蹭;刷牙更要一颗一颗地来,里里外外、仔仔细细刷上好多遍。就这样,他一分一秒艰难地打发着每一天。
      每到夜晚降临,他总不能入睡,还不敢告诉护士,以免吃药。有一次服了安眠药,让他觉得像是晃晃悠悠一头栽进了墓坑。
      每晚十点左右,莫里斯就睡得像死人,享受着有福之人才有的无梦睡眠,奥格尔心想。十一点钟左右,病房热闹起来,响起深夜恐怖的梦呓。垂死的人发出断断续续的叫声;被病痛折磨的人对医护人员发着牢骚。有个中风的,从未见过但总听莫里斯说起,会走着调子突然唱起《神佑女王》,以此了结这一天;走廊对面还有个老得发昏的牧师,血小板堵塞了脑动脉,潜意识让他又开始了满口亵渎上帝的连祷。
      一夜中间,奥格尔偶尔打个盹,但更多的是突然抽醒过来,直直地坐在床上浑身发抖。他用力搓揉脸颊,挤捏眼睑,手指颤抖不已。每夜三点,他总能闻到护士站换班休息时滤煮咖啡的味道。香味唤起了他的另一种渴求。这感觉促使他一跃下床,拉开床头柜抽屉,拿出香烟和火柴,然后光着脚丫踩着油地毡,小心翼翼地绕过莫里斯的床脚,轻步穿过病房走到垃圾桶边,在窗口驻足片刻,朝外面的市区远眺。
      

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